Friday, September 18, 2009

Escape

I know people always write about their problems. Their woes, their sadness, their pain... But when I read these before I always thought that it was bullshit. Total bullshit. No one's life is that bad.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not here to say how bad my life is. It's really not bad at all. It's amazing next to some peoples. I live in Indianapolis, a city that's not too big, but not a corn town either. I have my own apartment in an 8 apartment complex privately owned by a nice couple, and filled with all my friends. I have a caring, hardworking boyfriend. He loves me, and I love him right back. I don't drink too often, mainly only to share a bottle of wine with him. I only smoke on occasion too. My health is decent, most of the time, and I'm a successful student and worker at a childcare center.
So whats my issue? Why am I writing my first blog and entitling it 'Escape'? I'm trying to figure myself out right now. Since I left for school I've been on a round-about change. Well, before I even graduated it started I suppose. I've made a lot of mistakes... But I feel like even though I gave up drinking heavily, chain smoking, and moved to a new place... I'm still in a hole.
I'm with an amazing man. My fiance makes my life complete. I spent all summer coming to him before I moved down, and it was the happiest times I've had in a long time. He holds me every night, kisses me often, and hugs me when I'm down. Or he did. Now, I can't seem to smile for him. I know inside that I love him to death, but it's like there's a block keeping me from being able to show happiness. I have to force smiles, I barely laugh. It's not cause I don't want to... Its just not there to come out. It's killing me and taking a toll on our relationship. I watch it fall apart and I try so hard to fight to keep it and smile more... But I always end up back in the hole.
He, bless his heart, tries really hard to make me happy...and when it works and I can't bring myself to show it, it frustrates me and we end up fighting about it. I know him leaving will not make this better. I know this. We'll both fall apart... God I love him so much.
I'm trying to figure out what is so wrong in my head that I seem to be behind a wall. Is it depression? I'm on lexapro sometimes... But it seems to turn me into a zombie. Is there something I can't let go? I couldn't tell you. Maybe you have an answer. Maybe you don't. All I know is, I am going to write here as I go through life. My thoughts, my doings, my emotions... Maybe this will lead me to the truth. Feel free to give me advice, ideas, and topics to ponder. Send me laughs, send me cries, send me anything. I'm tired of hurting him. I'm tired of hurting in general. I'm ready to Escape.
Don't You Wish These Actually Worked Sometimes?


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1 Comments:

Blogger La Jenno said...

After a really big fight with my Marco, I stole the ESC key from his keyboard and hid it. He didn't notice, but I did tell him my joke anyways; if he would have asked what happened to it, I was going to retort, "How's it feel to have no escape??"

I often feel, when I am really riled up by something, that I have no escape. The thoughts run through my mind a million miles an hour -- "you're worthless, you're useless, you're stupid, you're ugly, you should be dead like they said..." But in the end, it always passes and I'm always ever-so-thankful that I didn't give in. I still have my moments, but they are becoming less and less. For me, it helps to just try to remember and cherish the happy moments, any happy moments. Here's hoping you can find what you're looking for and most especially an escape of sorts here. Anytime you want to talk, feel free to email. :)

Jenno

September 20, 2009 at 2:59 PM  

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