Saturday, September 19, 2009

"Borderline"

This site had some pretty interesting information on it...  I  have discovered a personality disorder that sounds a lot like what I feel and how I act sometimes.  This disorder was titled "borderline."  I don't really get the title. The borderline of what? Sanity? Sounds pretty clever to me...
Anyway, this was defined as, and I quote "
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing themselves injury. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. They think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met."
 I have the mood swings of an eight-and-three-quarters month pregnant woman craving pickles and ice cream.  I can go from giggling happy to pissed off and silent in a matter of seconds. It's not like I try to do this. It just happens. The most minor of things set me off, usually at myself for the fact that it pissed me off.  I don't do anything to myself physically, though, thank goodness. I think that's mainly because my boyfriend is here. However, this is not to say that I don't crave it. I don't NOT want to hurt myself. I don't NOT think suicidal thoughts. I just don't act them out because I love him too much. I'm scared to be alone anymore.
 The very last sentence is the truth to me as well. I couldn't tell you what my expectations are to everything, but I know I have them, and some, if not most of them, are ridiculous.
For example:
  1. I expect the bathroom to be clean. No hair in the sink or tub, no shit on the toilet, and no trash on the floor.  Do I clean it daily to keep it as such? No, of course not. Do I get ticked off when my boyfriend shaves for work and leaves the sink all hairy? Yes, I do. Do I clean it myself? Nope. Do I sit there miffed about it? Duh.
  2. I expect all dishes to be put away post eating. We eat in the living room 99.99% of the time. Does this bother me? Sometimes. I grew up being required to eat together at a dinner table. Not on the couch/at the computer chair. That was a privilege at my house. Do I always put my dishes away? Nope. I seem to have given up. Why put that away when the other plate is just going to sit there? Why not take his plate too? Its just the principle of the matter. And I am a lazy hypocritical bitch.
  3. I expect time to be spent with me whenever possible. This is a tad overdone because I complain about no alone time, but yet I complain about not enough time together. I'm a fucking crazy bitch.
You see, I have all these stupid little expectations. Little rules I want followed. But when they aren't I don't just let it go. I get shitty. Yet, I have a hard time keeping myself on track as it is. I think part of that is the lack of participation from others. Part of it is the lack of desire to do it. Why do I care what my living room looks like? Who's going to see it? 
I don't even know what I'm rambling about anymore. 
I also noticed my boyfriend matched one of the personality disorders. I find this strangely comforting to know he's not perfect either.  His is entitled "Paranoid" (much less exciting than mine. Ha-ha.)  It is defined as, quote "Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships with others. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant to others. They usually shift blame to others and tend to carry long grudges. "
I think this fits him to the T sometimes.  I'm not saying my boyfriend is a bad person at all. I love him to death. But he does have trust issues. It is straining on me sometimes.  I'm fiercely loyal to this man. Granted, my track record with past relationships doesn't back this declaration very well, but there's something different about this guy. He has flipped a switch somewhere in my complicated brain that has got me locked on him. And I am perfectly content with that. Anyway. As I was saying...He does have trust issues.   He always thinks I am going to cheat on him with someone, particularly an ex of mine, especially when he's at work. This bothers me so badly at times. I can't help it. I just want him to acknowledge that I am his forever. That I don't want anyone else.
He definitely has trust in his own mind though. He likes to tell me he knows best what I'm going to do or what I'm trying to do to him because he knows how it works. He has had rocky relationships before, much more intense than mine, and he relies on this to tell me how our relationship is going to go. I don't agree with this. I think all relationships are different. Yes you learn from them and apply that to the next relationship, but that doesn't they all have to go the same way and end.  I try to tell him this but he's dead-set on his own ideas.

He always tries to figure out why I won't smile or laugh. He's convinced its because I hate him and am trying to leave him. But as you know from my previous posts this is not the case. He knows exactly what I wrote but is still convinced otherwise. He's convinced everything I do is a moved to break him. This is also not true. I love my fiance more than anything in this world. It breaks my heart when I do hurt him, and I certainly don't try to. He challenges my emotions on the daily, and he has a good heart, but it is hard sometimes. Not to love him, but to bear his paranoia. I love him and will deal with it forever if I have to, but pain is gain right? I can only hope it gets a little easier. But with my disorder vs. his...I fear the worst. 
I love you baby. With all of my heart.  I know this shit's hard and sometimes we feel like we hate each other. But I do love you. I do want to spend forever with you. I intend on doing just that. You do make me smile every day, even if its just for a millisecond. That millisecond is just what I needed to make it though the rest of the day. Thank you for being here for me.  I'm here for you too...Stay strong, and remember...you're my only one. Forever, boo.
I'm glad stumbleupon brought me to that page. It helped me to look at various disorders all together and see that maybe I'm not depressed exactly. Maybe it's just a little disorder. And maybe now that I understand it a little better I can do better research and figure out how to fix it to make my baby happy again.


I want one^

Also, Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day! Yarr!



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2 Comments:

Blogger La Jenno said...

Wow, I just stumbled upon your blog from followers on another's list. I'm also a borderline and live in Vincennes, just a couple hours south of you. :) Check out my blog -- it's my new, best coping method. http://lajenno.blogspot.com Borderline personality refers to "between neurosis and psychosis," although the name itself comes under a lot of fire as those who suffer with it may have signs of both but are actually neither. BPD is also called Emotional Reactivity Disorder and is believed by some to be caused by a dysfunction within the emotion and anger processes of the brain.

Thanks for sharing this, too!

September 20, 2009 at 2:47 PM  
Blogger Chester said...

Well from a bloke's point of view, I would say that a lot of people are in your position too, so don't worry!

In fact, clear those worries, and try to sit back a little, what about planning a day where you do something together that you love doing, and then challenge him to game that he loves, that way you can have a laugh with each other, and maybe at each other's expense!

Regarding trust issues, that's common place, I've been with my better half for 10 years, but she still doesn't trust me, even though I trust her 100% - sometimes you just have to accept that you'll never get the full trust - which is annoying - but, there is a lot worse to worry about there, so just cross that one off your list!

September 20, 2009 at 2:55 PM  

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