Sunday, September 20, 2009


Last night was hell. I will come right out and say it.  Possibly one of the worst nights of my life. Its amazing the impact one person can have on a life. One person, who you may not even know. They could be next door, down the street, or hundreds to thousands of miles away. And with a single message, ruin a life. 
I won't go into the gory details but that almost happened to me last night. I really hate people that think they have the right to dictate "punishments" when something doesn't go their way. I'm sorry I have a something you want, and I won't give it to you. I'm sorry you're pissed that you have no friends. But all-in-all, going behind my back and trying to sabotage me is outrageous. At least do it tastefully. Making up lies like this person made so my boyfriend would leave me is sick. Cruel. Say what you want to me, trash me, hate me, but don't try to destroy my world.
I almost lost that last night. My world. My everything. No tears could change what he'd seen. What he thought. I almost lost myself.  I fought and fought and cried and panicked. But he was gone.  My heart was shattered all because of a heartless bastard across the country.
However, half a bottle of wine and a drunken stumble later, I was awakened. He was there, next to me in the bed. The next morning he was there. He's still here. And he's still mine. Love like ours takes a lot of punches in life. But as we grow and get through these, we learn more about each other. I have a new view on our relationship and how strong it is. I panic and doubt that at times. That naive thought is slowly waning. I have more confidence in us. Not that I'm going to challenge this. However, it is a comfort knowing that he does truly love me, and I, him.
He's hurting right now. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me. This message and fight has put a lot of pain and strain on us. I know he's still here. But that doesn't mean I am off the hook. I'm going to show him I love him and only him, one way or another.  The happiness I feel knowing he's 3 feet away from me is unmeasurable. The happiness I feel knowing he will be next to me tonight while I sleep is infinite. I've never been so content with someone.  I want him back again. I want him happy. I want to see him smile and reach out for me to hug him. I want his respect and trust. I am aware it may take a lifetime to achieve this. I'm ready for the challenge.  It's not worth it, some may say. I beg to differ. When you know you have found something worth fighting for, anything, it is always going to be worth it. It's never easy. It's not always fun or cheerful. Sometimes you want to scream FUCK IT and run away. But you have to be strong and fight the negatives because the reward is a life with what you truly want and need. For me, that is my boyfriend. My husband.
I love you. I'm sorry for all this shit that's happened. I'm sorry I can't make it go away. I am yours and only yours for the rest of my life. I never want to sleep next to another person. That spot is reserved for you.  This is my promise. My body, my soul, my actions, my writings, my thoughts, all of me is for you. I promised my world to you. It has already begun. And I can't wait to continue.



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