50 Questions to Free My Mind...

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
   I would say I differ. Some days I feel 19. Some days I feel 27. Some days I feel 50. The best days are when I feel 5 years old. The worst are when I feel like I'm 100...
   
   
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
   Never trying. If you never try, you cannot fail, true, but you also cannot succeed.
   
   
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
   Because we're idiots. I am so tired of doing shit I don't like to do. But the worst feeling of all is feeling FORCED to do it. For instance, College.
   
   
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
   At this point, it looks like yes. Heartbreaking, huh? Maybe I'll have some luck and turn this puppy around. I have a lot to do.
   
   
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
   The ridiculous expectations everyone has for everyone. The standards a person must uphold just to be treated decently is absolutely horrendous. It's to the point, one doesn't care that that person is suffering, as long as they're accepted by everyone else.
   
   
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
   Teaching music or playing for a professional orchestra or marching band. I miss music...
   
   
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
   I think both. I am doing what I believe in, by going to school for education. But, I am settling for all the bullshit I have to put up with just to get there.
   
   
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
   I'd say screw college, and see the world. You only have one life to live, so do all you can. Have kids, dance, see the world, drink, be sober, paint, write, listen to every kind of music in the world, teach, have a cat, have a dog, go to the zoo...you know, the works.
   
   
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
   I have control over some aspects, but I'm not one to control what happens. I just let it happen and react accordingly. I'm a pushover. *sigh*
   
   
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
    Both. Mostly doing things right I suppose. If you do it wrong, are you doing the right thing? That's just redundant.
    
    
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?
    I'd calmly explain to them that I feel it is in fact distasteful and rude, and that for people that I respected, I severely misjudged them.
    
    
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
    Climb back in buddy.
    
    
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
    Yes.
    
    
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
    No, but I have seen creativity where I later saw insanity.
    
    
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
    Good question. Probably nothing because I do for others. I think I react to things different than most people. Also, I have different standards than most girls my age.
    
    
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
    I have no idea. Do they not? What makes me happy? I can think of one thing that did.
    
    
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What's holding you back?
    I really want to see the world. Money. Life.
    
    
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
    Not anymore. I believe...
    
    
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
    Back to AZ if I had to stay in the US. Otherwise I'd go to Australia.
    
    
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
    I generally hit it twice. Not because it's faster. Just a habit.
    
    
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
    Joyful Smart-ass. Win.
    
    
22. Why are you, you?
    Because God hates me. That's why.
    
    
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
    Parts of me yes. Times, rather.
    
    
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
    When a good friend moves away. Its hella hard to rekindle that.
    
    
25. What are you most grateful for?
    My life now. My cat. My boyfriend. Midol.
    
    
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
    Neither. Sorry.
    
    
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
    Not to me. Proof please.
    
    
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
    Yes.
    
    
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?
    Absolutely do. I moved to Indiana. It was the worst year of my life. I guess it was for the better tho in the long run.... Maybe.
    
    
30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?
    I had the happiest childhood. That fact alone makes it special.
    
    
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
    When my boyfriend and I made love a while ago at his place. (sorry TMI...the question asked.)
    
    
32. If not now, then when?
    Good question. Right now feels like never and always.
    
    
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
    Everything.
    
    
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
    Yeah. Used to be all the time.
    
    
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
    Because religion is just another form of grouping or cliques, and cliques are just bad news all around.
    
    
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
    If you eat an apple in the garden of Eden I suppose.
    
    
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
    Nope. I love working with the kids.
    
    
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
    More work I actually enjoy doing, duh.
    
    
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
    Yes and No.
    
    
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
    I have no idea what this question means. I'll need to ponder it more.
    
    
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
    My boyfriend. My Momma. My sisters. My niece. A gun-seller.
    
    
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
    Fuck No.
    
    
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
    Breathing, and being in denial.
    
    
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
    Always.
    
    
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
    Because mistakes don't always fix themselves in your favor.
    
    
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
    Have a baby of my own.
    
    
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
    Earlier in the hall.
    
    
48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
    I love Him.
    I thought they did. I question that now.
    
    
49. In 5 years from now,will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?
    I have no idea what I did yesterday. It probably wasn't worth remembering.
    
    
50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
    N/A

I liked this. I will probably do it again sometime in the future and see how it changes.

Battlefield

I have been scratching my head for a couple days trying to figure out what I'm going to write about next. It's not for lack of material and subject. It's lack of motivation and decision. I am in a slump again today. I started out alright. But now, I don't know. That's my emotion. I don't know.

I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of a lot of things. But I'm not going to vent here. All I'm going to do is shake my head and shut my mouth.

I cleaned today, and figured out how much I really hate doing it. I hate cleaning. But it's not necessarily the cleaning aspect of it that I hate. Its having to clean alone. Being in a room by yourself sucks. Being in a room by yourself having to clean up your and other people's messes just fucking makes me want to punch a baby.

Yes I have pent up frustration right now, could you tell?
Why? No clue. I've learned to push it to the back of my mind. I'm so good at it, that now I actually forget what I'm frustrated about and just stay frustrated at what feels like nothing. Also, doesn't it suck that your frustrations are never good enough to be worth fixing to another person. It's like "what, you don't like what I'm doing? Well, that's too damn bad."  Then you try to be the better person and just accept that. But inside the frustration still grows.

And no, you don't want to talk about it. That's the last thing you want to do. You want to go outside and scream your heart out then come in and it be all better. All gone. But then again, we do live in reality.

Lame, huh?

I'm still having a pretty shitty writer's block. Maybe when my class work load calms down I'll have more to say. Maybe not. I don't understand why blogging suddenly just doesn't seem very....satisfying anymore.  It's saddening.

Smile Everyone.
I'm working on it.

Don't try to explain your mind
I know what's happening here
One minute it's love
And suddenly it's like a battlefield
One word turns into a war
Why is it the smallest things that tear us down?
My world's nothing when you don't
I'm not here without a shield
Can't go back now
Both hands, tied behind my back with nothing
Oh no, these times when we climb so fast to fall again
Why we gotta fall for it now
I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for
Why does love always feel like a battlefield
A battlefield, a battlefield?
Why does love always feel like...
Can't swallow our pride
Neither of us wanna raise that flag
If we can't surrender then we both gonna lose
What we had, oh no..
Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
Oh no, these times when we climb so fast to fall again.
I don't wanna fall for it now
I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for
Why does love always feel like a battlefield?
I guess you better go and get your armor
I guess you better go and get your...
We could pretend that we are friends tonight
And in the morning we'll wake up and we'll be alright
'Cause baby, we don't have to fight
And I don't want this love to feel like
A battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield
Why does love always feel like a battlefield...
I guess you better go and get your armor
I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for
Why does love always feel like a battlefield?
I guess you better go and get your armor
I never meant to start a war
Don't even know what we're fighting for...

*sigh*

ZzZzZ

I am exhausted.
I will blog tomorrow.

Too much to think about.

Smile.

Forever

Last night was hell. I will come right out and say it.  Possibly one of the worst nights of my life. Its amazing the impact one person can have on a life. One person, who you may not even know. They could be next door, down the street, or hundreds to thousands of miles away. And with a single message, ruin a life. 

I won't go into the gory details but that almost happened to me last night. I really hate people that think they have the right to dictate "punishments" when something doesn't go their way. I'm sorry I have a something you want, and I won't give it to you. I'm sorry you're pissed that you have no friends. But all-in-all, going behind my back and trying to sabotage me is outrageous. At least do it tastefully. Making up lies like this person made so my boyfriend would leave me is sick. Cruel. Say what you want to me, trash me, hate me, but don't try to destroy my world.

I almost lost that last night. My world. My everything. No tears could change what he'd seen. What he thought. I almost lost myself.  I fought and fought and cried and panicked. But he was gone.  My heart was shattered all because of a heartless bastard across the country.
However, half a bottle of wine and a drunken stumble later, I was awakened. He was there, next to me in the bed. The next morning he was there. He's still here. And he's still mine. Love like ours takes a lot of punches in life. But as we grow and get through these, we learn more about each other. I have a new view on our relationship and how strong it is. I panic and doubt that at times. That naive thought is slowly waning. I have more confidence in us. Not that I'm going to challenge this. However, it is a comfort knowing that he does truly love me, and I, him.
He's hurting right now. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me. This message and fight has put a lot of pain and strain on us. I know he's still here. But that doesn't mean I am off the hook. I'm going to show him I love him and only him, one way or another.  The happiness I feel knowing he's 3 feet away from me is unmeasurable. The happiness I feel knowing he will be next to me tonight while I sleep is infinite. I've never been so content with someone.  I want him back again. I want him happy. I want to see him smile and reach out for me to hug him. I want his respect and trust. I am aware it may take a lifetime to achieve this. I'm ready for the challenge.  It's not worth it, some may say. I beg to differ. When you know you have found something worth fighting for, anything, it is always going to be worth it. It's never easy. It's not always fun or cheerful. Sometimes you want to scream FUCK IT and run away. But you have to be strong and fight the negatives because the reward is a life with what you truly want and need. For me, that is my boyfriend. My husband.
I love you. I'm sorry for all this shit that's happened. I'm sorry I can't make it go away. I am yours and only yours for the rest of my life. I never want to sleep next to another person. That spot is reserved for you.  This is my promise. My body, my soul, my actions, my writings, my thoughts, all of me is for you. I promised my world to you. It has already begun. And I can't wait to continue.

Forever.

Oi, Yet Again...

Sadly, This Is Too True...

I guess now that I read this...I owe my boyfriend an apology. Sorry Boo.

Your Nutter Wifey.

"Borderline"

Personality Disorder Information

This site had some pretty interesting information on it...  I  have discovered a personality disorder that sounds a lot like what I feel and how I act sometimes.  This disorder was titled "borderline."  I don't really get the title. The borderline of what? Sanity? Sounds pretty clever to me...
Anyway, this was defined as, and I quote "Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing themselves injury. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. They think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met."

 I have the mood swings of an eight-and-three-quarters month pregnant woman craving pickles and ice cream.  I can go from giggling happy to pissed off and silent in a matter of seconds. It's not like I try to do this. It just happens. The most minor of things set me off, usually at myself for the fact that it pissed me off.  I don't do anything to myself physically, though, thank goodness. I think that's mainly because my boyfriend is here. However, this is not to say that I don't crave it. I don't NOT want to hurt myself. I don't NOT think suicidal thoughts. I just don't act them out because I love him too much. I'm scared to be alone anymore.

 The very last sentence is the truth to me as well. I couldn't tell you what my expectations are to everything, but I know I have them, and some, if not most of them, are ridiculous.

For example:

1. I expect the bathroom to be clean. No hair in the sink or tub, no shit on the toilet, and no trash on the floor.  Do I clean it daily to keep it as such? No, of course not. Do I get ticked off when my boyfriend shaves for work and leaves the sink all hairy? Yes, I do. Do I clean it myself? Nope. Do I sit there miffed about it? Duh.
2. I expect all dishes to be put away post eating. We eat in the living room 99.99% of the time. Does this bother me? Sometimes. I grew up being required to eat together at a dinner table. Not on the couch/at the computer chair. That was a privilege at my house. Do I always put my dishes away? Nope. I seem to have given up. Why put that away when the other plate is just going to sit there? Why not take his plate too? Its just the principle of the matter. And I am a lazy hypocritical bitch.
3. I expect time to be spent with me whenever possible. This is a tad overdone because I complain about no alone time, but yet I complain about not enough time together. I'm a fucking crazy bitch.
   

You see, I have all these stupid little expectations. Little rules I want followed. But when they aren't I don't just let it go. I get shitty. Yet, I have a hard time keeping myself on track as it is. I think part of that is the lack of participation from others. Part of it is the lack of desire to do it. Why do I care what my living room looks like? Who's going to see it? 

I don't even know what I'm rambling about anymore. 

I also noticed my boyfriend matched one of the personality disorders. I find this strangely comforting to know he's not perfect either.  His is entitled "Paranoid" (much less exciting than mine. Ha-ha.)  It is defined as, quote "Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships with others. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant to others. They usually shift blame to others and tend to carry long grudges. "

I think this fits him to the T sometimes.  I'm not saying my boyfriend is a bad person at all. I love him to death. But he does have trust issues. It is straining on me sometimes.  I'm fiercely loyal to this man. Granted, my track record with past relationships doesn't back this declaration very well, but there's something different about this guy. He has flipped a switch somewhere in my complicated brain that has got me locked on him. And I am perfectly content with that. Anyway. As I was saying...He does have trust issues.   He always thinks I am going to cheat on him with someone, particularly an ex of mine, especially when he's at work. This bothers me so badly at times. I can't help it. I just want him to acknowledge that I am his forever. That I don't want anyone else.
He definitely has trust in his own mind though. He likes to tell me he knows best what I'm going to do or what I'm trying to do to him because he knows how it works. He has had rocky relationships before, much more intense than mine, and he relies on this to tell me how our relationship is going to go. I don't agree with this. I think all relationships are different. Yes you learn from them and apply that to the next relationship, but that doesn't they all have to go the same way and end.  I try to tell him this but he's dead-set on his own ideas.

He always tries to figure out why I won't smile or laugh. He's convinced its because I hate him and am trying to leave him. But as you know from my previous posts this is not the case. He knows exactly what I wrote but is still convinced otherwise. He's convinced everything I do is a moved to break him. This is also not true. I love my fiance more than anything in this world. It breaks my heart when I do hurt him, and I certainly don't try to. He challenges my emotions on the daily, and he has a good heart, but it is hard sometimes. Not to love him, but to bear his paranoia. I love him and will deal with it forever if I have to, but pain is gain right? I can only hope it gets a little easier. But with my disorder vs. his...I fear the worst. 

I love you baby. With all of my heart.  I know this shit's hard and sometimes we feel like we hate each other. But I do love you. I do want to spend forever with you. I intend on doing just that. You do make me smile every day, even if its just for a millisecond. That millisecond is just what I needed to make it though the rest of the day. Thank you for being here for me.  I'm here for you too...Stay strong, and remember...you're my only one. Forever, boo.

I'm glad stumbleupon brought me to that page. It helped me to look at various disorders all together and see that maybe I'm not depressed exactly. Maybe it's just a little disorder. And maybe now that I understand it a little better I can do better research and figure out how to fix it to make my baby happy again.

I want one^

Also, Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day! Yarr!

Made Me Think:

"No one needs a smile like the person who fails to give one"
-unknown.
I really want to smile again. I want to be able to show how happy I am. I have everything I ever wanted...So what is wrong with me? I miss you boo. I have not smiled since 5:15PM. 7 hours and counting. It feels like an eternity.

Yeah- I Posted Again.

It's getting late. My boy is at work. Apparently he will be there pretty late this time.  For some reason I really miss him. We got in another fight this morning because I got bothered with him playing video games.  Yes, he's a gamer. WoW, Warhammer, and now Aion (which I wont lie, is an AWESOME game.) I like to play these games too, so I guess it's hypocritical of me to be upset with him for playing it.  But here's the deal. It's not even out yet and I barely see him. Or so it feels. Maybe I'm just needy. That's totally possible.

It starts this Sunday...I'm terrified that I won't ever see him. Granted, he does play here at the apartment on his computer... But I don't get to hang out with him. I can just watch. One of these days I'll have a computer that can run the game (my lappy would explode if I tried playing it here) and we can play together, which will be nice... I guess I'll have to be patient til I can afford such a luxury.  I just miss him. My favorite thing in the world is to hang out with him, hold his hand, walk around with him.  I love him. When we're apart, I get so sad. I think that's part of my depression. I don't feel like he's here with me when he's doing "guild stuff."

I've brought it up with him... His conclusion is saying he'll never game again... Which I can't ask him to do that. Gaming is all he has. It's all he does, and that's where his friends are. I'd feel horrible taking his life away from him. Besides...like I said, I like gaming too. I just wish we could have like...at least one hour a day where it's just us. No forum checking. No Vent in the background. No Yahoo Messenger dinging. No cell phones. No nothing. Just he and I. But I don't think he understands that.  Oh well.  You can't have everything in the world, right?

  ________________________________

I have a kitten, Lady.  She cracks me up. She is my light in the darkness. I have never had a pet that I truly had to take care of entirely on my own.  She's my baby.  My parents let me have her when I moved out. Granted she's a handful, but she's something I can count on to come to me when I'm sad, hair-tie in mouth, ready to do something so incredibly cute that I can't help but smile at. She's an inbred-inbred (thank you Linds) and one of my best friends.  She's stretched out right next to me, like this:

Ha, as I type this, she watches the words move.  Its comforting to have a baby like her. She doesn't care when I'm upset. She'll come to me anyway. She sleeps on me every night, even though I kick her off sometimes.  She's in my face purring if I lay down. I love her to death.

________________________________

Tried to change the subject... Epic fail. I miss him. I know it's stupid to miss someone when they're only gone for a few hours, when you spend all your time with them. But I do. I'm so lonely right now. I don't even have any desire to do anything. I don't know why. I'm used to being on my own. Taking care of myself. Thinking for my self. But now, I don't. He's my life.  I wish he knew this. I wish he'd write too. I wish I could show all of you how happy he really makes me...But what do I know? Maybe no one reads this. Maybe no one cares. Oh well, it makes me feel better to write it.

I love you baby. I love you so much.

Just let it be, come on and bring your body next to me,
I’ll take you away, hey, turn this place into our private getaway,

So leave it behind ’cause we, have a night to get away,
So come on and fly with me, as we make our great escape.
 
So baby don’t worry, you are my only,
You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,
You’ll be my only, no need to worry,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Even if the sky is falling down,

___________________________________

Pink is on the music channel right now. Well, her video anyway. I really like her. I like how she's real with her verses. I think she's a fantastic artist. But that's just my two cents.

I might be done posting tonight. I might not. Who knows. I sure don't. I missed writing out my life. I missed it a lot.

Escape

I know people always write about their problems. Their woes, their sadness, their pain... But when I read these before I always thought that it was bullshit. Total bullshit. No one's life is that bad.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not here to say how bad my life is. It's really not bad at all. It's amazing next to some peoples. I live in Indianapolis, a city that's not too big, but not a corn town either. I have my own apartment in an 8 apartment complex privately owned by a nice couple, and filled with all my friends. I have a caring, hardworking boyfriend. He loves me, and I love him right back. I don't drink too often, mainly only to share a bottle of wine with him. I only smoke on occasion too. My health is decent, most of the time, and I'm a successful student and worker at a childcare center.

So whats my issue? Why am I writing my first blog and entitling it 'Escape'? I'm trying to figure myself out right now. Since I left for school I've been on a round-about change. Well, before I even graduated it started I suppose. I've made a lot of mistakes... But I feel like even though I gave up drinking heavily, chain smoking, and moved to a new place... I'm still in a hole.

I'm with an amazing man. My fiance makes my life complete. I spent all summer coming to him before I moved down, and it was the happiest times I've had in a long time. He holds me every night, kisses me often, and hugs me when I'm down. Or he did. Now, I can't seem to smile for him. I know inside that I love him to death, but it's like there's a block keeping me from being able to show happiness. I have to force smiles, I barely laugh. It's not cause I don't want to... Its just not there to come out. It's killing me and taking a toll on our relationship. I watch it fall apart and I try so hard to fight to keep it and smile more... But I always end up back in the hole.

He, bless his heart, tries really hard to make me happy...and when it works and I can't bring myself to show it, it frustrates me and we end up fighting about it. I know him leaving will not make this better. I know this. We'll both fall apart... God I love him so much.

I'm trying to figure out what is so wrong in my head that I seem to be behind a wall. Is it depression? I'm on lexapro sometimes... But it seems to turn me into a zombie. Is there something I can't let go? I couldn't tell you. Maybe you have an answer. Maybe you don't. All I know is, I am going to write here as I go through life. My thoughts, my doings, my emotions... Maybe this will lead me to the truth. Feel free to give me advice, ideas, and topics to ponder. Send me laughs, send me cries, send me anything. I'm tired of hurting him. I'm tired of hurting in general. I'm ready to Escape.

Don't You Wish These Actually Worked Sometimes?